Lisa: You do? Why? Bart: Oh, come on, you know why. Bart: I know Krusty's innocent, and I think I can prove it.

I do work in a convenience store, you know. Will it be waiting for you in heaven? Sunday School Teacher: For the last time, Bart, yes! Krusty the Clown: Hand over all your money in a paper bag! Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. Bart: Uh, ma'am, what if you're a really good person but you're in a really, really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and has to be amputated. Bart: Dad! Oh, Dad! Homer: Avenge me, son. Is it okay if they say “Happy Birthday” on the side? Herman: Well, I'd rather they say, “Death From Above,” but I guess we're stuck. You got the water balloons? Bart: Two hundred rounds, sir. Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. Lisa: Oh yeah, I didn't think this was mine. Carl: Go Carl! Go Carl! It's ma birthday! It's ma birthday! 3P you got mail baby! Bart: Hey, Lis. Homer: You da man Carl! I believe you can fly! Carl: You know I'm so sick of peope thinking I'm good at basketball just cause I'm African-American. Burns: What do you think Smithers? Smithers: I think women and seamen don't mix. You reminded me of why I got into this work in the first place. Groundskeeper Willie: That's all right lad. Homer: Boy, those Germans have a word for everything! Lenin Zombie: Must crush capitalism! Apu: Thank you, steal again.

I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt! Homer: He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel… What's the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours? Lisa: Sour grapes. Lisa: It's a German term for “shameful joy”, taking pleasure in the suffering of others. Homer: Please tell me, because I'm dying to know. Lisa: Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is? Homer: No, I don't know what “shaden-frawde” is. Homer: WHOO HOO! Only in America could I get a job. Burns: Simpson eh? I'll remember that name. I haven't been this impressed since a young bootlick named Waylon Smithers. Smithers: But sir this man not only failed the aptitude test he got trapped in a closet on his way out. You can treat me like dirt and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream. Homer: If you want the kind of employee that takes abuse I'm your man. Homer Simpson: Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall! Homer: You in charge here? Mr. I've got it, jazz is like the new Coke: it'll be around forever. Jazz is like Kodak film… no, that's not right neither. You see, jazz is like Jello pudding… no, that's not it. With the hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin', it gives them the brain damage and the kids don't know what the jazz is all about. Cliff Huxtable: Oh,oh-oh! You see, the kids these days, they listen to the rap music. Cliff Huxtable: This one's the famous jazz musician. Rudy Huxtable: But we've already got three grandfathers. Cliff Huxtable: Kids, this is your Grandpa Murphy. Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Then there was the time I guest-starred on “The Cosby Show”. Homer: Marge, you know who I'm talking about! He used to drive that blue car. But the point is… Homer: I forget that, too. And that man's name was… Homer: I forget. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right.

Homer: Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. Marge: I have a responsibility to raise these children right and, unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is… well, wicked. Sideshow Bob: “Dear ‘Life in These United States,’ a funny thing happened to me…” Snake: Use a pen, Sideshow Bob. Reverend Lovejoy: “And he left them and went out of the city, into Bethany, and he lodged there?” Homer: Yeah. “The foolish man who built his house upon the sand.” Homer: And you remember Homer: Matthew… 21:17.

Groundskeeper Willie: You just made an enemy for life! Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland! Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Helen Lovejoy: Oh, won't someone please think of the children! Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. The searing kiss of hot lead how I missed you.

Kent brockman let me get my checkbook